Tag: love

A High Price and Worth It

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I enjoy scrolling through Instagram for funnies to share with my people. I want to bring humor and levity–life is heavy and hard, bringing laughter and lightness makes me feel good. Sometimes while I’m there, though, I get little nuggets of wisdom and this one from author Ali Smith really struck me: “When you have love in the equation, you also have death in the equation. The love story is always about the threat and promise of loss.”

“The promise of loss” stood out the most. Every relationship has loss for one reason or another. It’s broken off. The people grow and change and the relationship that was is no longer (maybe it’s a new one). Or somebody dies. For every single relationship, the loss is built in. So then why do we do it? Why do we love? Why do we build relationships with people? Because it’s worth it.

I watched my husband’s life slip through my fingers like sand and I have never known a pain more excruciating. I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t heal him. Once he was gone I had to piece some version of a life without him which was antithetical to every choice I had made for the fourteen years prior. And I would choose him all over again knowing what was coming because we were worth it. The life we built was filled with joy, laughter, amazing meals shared with friends, travel, play, delight, curiosity, hard work, anger, frustration, tears, passion, and a few cats.

Knowing that loss is built in, I ask myself if I would be open to loving like that again. My answer is yes. It may be a high price, but it’s worth it. Life with love is so much richer than a life without it.

Beer, Trees, and Bryan

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I’ve set up an event on Facebook, but I realize there are those who aren’t local or don’t use that platform that might want to know. Mary and I were chatting a while back trying to think of a new way to celebrate Bryan. We thought of Bryan’s love for trees and decided to do a little something on Arbor Day–Friday, April 26th.

With that in mind, we’ve decided to invite folks to join us out at Quirk https://www.quirkbrewing.com/ a local brewery in Walla Walla starting at 6pm and going until at least 8pm. Buy yourself a beer or dinner at Agapas, gather with friends and loved ones to share stories and memories of Bryan, raise a glass with us. And if you’d like to, join us in donating to the Scribner Fund for Walla Walla Trees which aids in the City of Walla Walla’s care, maintenance and replacement of our urban forest, a project near and dear to Bryan’s heart.

If you’re out of town and can’t make it, maybe carve a little time out of your Arbor Day evening to raise a glass of beer (or whatever suits you) and toast Bryan and his memory. You can donate to the Scribner Fund for Walla Walla Trees here: https://bmcf.fcsuite.com/erp/donate/create/fund?funit_id=1407 or you could donate to something similar in your own community in support of trees.

Gathering in community, conversing, debating, laughing, asking probing questions–these were some of Bryan’s favorite things. Let’s do them still for him.

Ninth

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Nine years ago I got to marry the best man I’ve ever known. It was a surprise, small wedding at the back of a restaurant in Portland, Oregon. We had a small group of attendees, which suited my introversion well. We made our own vows. Our officiant told the story of Naomi and Ruth, reminding us that love is a decision and a commitment and we lived it.

I miss my husband–the man who would pull me close and say in a low voice “mine.”

Today is a good day because we had that day and so many more afterward. Today is a hard day because he’s not here with me the way I want him to be.

If you see me today and my nose is runny, my eyes a little puffy, my cheeks blotchy, just know that all off the feelings are close to the surface.