Author: ferylfiles

Breathe

ferylfiles

We’re not supposed to breathe under water. We don’t have gills. We crawled out onto land ages ago and really are only meant to visit on top in boats or swimming. But, I’m a little bit stubborn and don’t like being told what to do, so I picked one of the most challenging activities I could think of to thumb my nose at another “should.”

I had signed up initially to take a February class and do the checkout dives near the end of that month. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite ready so I was invited to retake the class. Boy am I glad I did because I had a couple of patient instructors who firmly but kindly pushed me to be successful.

The four checkout dives occurred this past weekend–two on Saturday and two on Sunday. In order to be considered for certification, each student had to meet benchmarks and demonstrate safety skills in the open water, much as we had done in the pool. No one can explain to you what it feels like to be covered head to toe with gear–boots, wetsuit, bc unit, tank, weights hood–and then slog to the stairs leading down to the water. It’s heavy dry. It’s even heavier climbing out of the water, up the steps, and back up a tiny incline to the parking lot–the soggiest backpack ever.

On each dive we had to demonstrate skills like controlled descents and ascents, neutral buoyancy, full mask removal and replacement, stationary shared air, shared air ascent…these are the main ones I can think of, don’t worry there was a specific checklist and it got signed off on by the instructors. Scuba is a mental game. I’m still breathing. I’m still breathing. I’m breathing so I’m okay. Breathing. Just breathe. And the next thing you know, THERE’S A STARFISH! Sea cucumbers, crabs, anemones, and we even got to see the tiniest little nudibranch (looked like a fuzzy caterpiller).

I can’t tell you the number of times in this process, I thought I wanted to quit. I don’t want to do this. It’s crazy. Who would want to do this. But then I’d think, well maybe I’ll quit after class is over. Or maybe after this dive. But little successes build. They build confidence and momentum and a skillset even. So there I was on the fourth dive, swimming along with my dive buddy, giving the okay sign frequently and absorbing all the wonder of this new-to-me environment.

Once that last dive was over, I was euphoric. High even. It wasn’t just pride over achievement, although that was definitely part of it. It wasn’t just relief at being done, because I’ll be honest this was a tough road and I’m tired, and it was part of it too. But the overwhelming sense of WONDER blew me away. I got to visit another world and be out of the ugliness of this one for 29 minutes at 49 feet. Breathing steadily, holding the hand of my dive buddy, assured that my instructor had my back.

We all have to do hard things life throws at us whether we like it or not. And we do them maybe with grace, maybe loudly complaining, maybe not altogether elegantly, but we do them. Sometimes, however, we get to choose the hard thing and triumph so that it becomes a less hard thing. Then it turns into a cool thing and eventually into a fun thing.

[If you get anything special out of my writing and would care to, you’re welcome to leave a tip in my virtual tip jar here: https://venmo.com/u/FerylGal_1 ]

Touch Grass

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This is a phrase that’s been bandied about the house over the past couple of months, lovingly, even if a little pointedly. (laugh with me) Every part of our lives seems to have some digitization, online presence, or app. I find it annoying, jarring, and addictive. It’s not great. And a lot of it, while feeling very real, vanishes into to vapor really quickly. Texts, emails, IM messages, all give the sense of connection and in many ways they do if there’s already an established relationship, but the bandwidth is narrow and it’s not a replacement for in-the-world activities and interactions. With that in mind, my nephew has encouraged me in this new year to get involved in activities. “Touch grass, Aunt Becci.” He was specific. “Don’t just do activities you already like with people you already know–branch out.” So I took his advice.

I decided to schedule scuba classes during the month of February. This month is a difficult one because it’s the anniversary of Bryan passing. (Three years hardly seems possible.) Why not choose an activity that scares me and seems really difficult both physically and mentally? The first day in the pool, I almost got out and left. Swimming has been a part of my life since I was a kid. I learned from older siblings, I spent nearly every summer from the time I was nine until I was 16 in a pool. Ohio University offered a variety of swimming, diving, and aqua aerobics PE classes and I took every one while attending undergrad. But I’d only been snorkeling once when I was eleven. I don’t swim with a mask, or snorkel, or fins. My breathing became rushed and panicked. The instructors have been endlessly patient with me. Once I practiced with my mask and snorkel, practicing with the regulator and BC device came next. Swimming is about being fast and strong. Scuba is about being deliberate, calm, slow, and methodical. It’s counter-intuitive to my body’s muscle memory which I’m paintstakingly retraining for this new skill.

Being present. Being calm. Just breathing. Slow. Steady. Focused. Relaxed. All of this is the essential while also carrying a buoyancy vest with weights, an air tank, the regulator, the back-up, the gauge, and the inflator hose. Scuba is physics, anatomy and physiology, marine biology, psychology, and philosophy. It’s a lot to pack into one month and I’ll admit, I’m disappointed I’m not ready to take my test yet, but I’m incredibly proud that in every class, I’ve progressed and learned. I’ve touched grass. More classes are on the horizon, but I’m glad for more practice at developing the muscle memory. And maybe it’ll be just a little bit warmer when I do my open water dives.

Beyond the physical and mental challenges, I’ve had the opportunity to meet several kind, patient, professional, interesting instructors who have helped me go from nearly walking away to increasing confidence and competence. I’m also one of four students and the only woman. The guys have been kind and supportive. Two will be taking their open water dives this weekend and I’m eager to learn of what I’m sure will be their rousing success. And I know the other student who is just a little behind like me will keep after it, too. I’m not sure I will be a regular scuba diver, but I would like to be able travel to warmer places that have colorful sea life and get to see it in person. Who knows, maybe once I’m certified I will want to participate in more PNW dives. It’ll be summer before we know it.

The act of doing something so far outside my comfort zone reminds me that I’m still alive, still growing, still learning, still meeting new people. I’ll be honest, it’s a whole lot harder than when I was 10 learning how to waterski, but accomplishing something when it’s harder means even more.

[If you get anything extra out of my writing and would like to do so, you can leave a virtual tip in my Venmo “jar.” https://venmo.com/u/Rebecca-Lubbers-1 ]

Gather

ferylfiles

It was my first quarter at the University of Cincinnati in their History MA program. I had never lived alone in a city before. I didn’t know anyone. I was a TA, got hired to do admin work in the office, and had a full load of classes. Overwhelmed barely describes it. I was also exhausted. Scared. Anxious. And incredibly lonely. My big sister often got the brunt of my lamentations so she did what any good sister would do. She gave me a verbal kick in the pants. “You think you’re the only one in that program lonely? You don’t think every other person is anxious and scared? Maybe consider that others feel like you do and do something about it.” You know when advice is so good it pierces through the fog, the bullshit, and everything else to strike right at the core? This was that kind of advice. Consequently, I invited my cohort over for a potluck dinner and it was such a hit, I did it every quarter thereafter. Always themed. Always well-attended. For many, one of the highlights of our graduate experience.

That “pep” talk and the follow-through have provided such a core memory that I’ve applied it repeatedly throughout my life. I find myself here again–anxious, scared, exhausted, longing for comfort and connection. I’ve said it enough that it’s almost goofy–I want someone to make me a grilled cheese and tomato soup and give me a hug. “So what are you going to do about it?” Here’s what I intend:

On Sunday, February 15th, from 1-4pm, I will have an open house, serving grilled cheese (on homemade sourdough, obvs), and tomato soup. And I’ll be doling out the hugs to whomever needs or wants one. It’s no accident the timing of this, either. If you are in Walla Walla, please message me to RSVP so I can make sure to have enough supplies on hand and give you directions. If you’re not in Walla Walla, please consider gathering with people where you’re at. Connect. Let these connections rest on joy as much as on our shared struggles and woes.

Softball

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When I was a sophomore in high school, I tried out for the JV softball team. The summer before I had played slow-pitch in the city’s parks and recreation program. It was a lot of fun. My dear friend had played JV our freshman year and said it was really cool and that I should give it a try. Why not?! I’m a decent batter–never one for home runs but fairly consistent at dropping the ball between second base and right field. “Put the ball where the people aren’t,” my dad used to say. I had enjoyed pitching slow-pitch and wanted to learn fast pitch. I had a heart for the game and was so eager to join. The day came for the announcements of who had made the team and who had been cut. I wasn’t on the roster. I was heartbroken. I had worked so hard. I had wanted it so badly. And it didn’t matter. I had lots of theories as to why, but at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. My name wasn’t on that list.

That evening, after my dad got off work, he came in to check on me. I had isolated in my room, crying. Why didn’t they pick me? Wasn’t I good enough? There were a lot of tears. I have to commend my dad, he gave me just enough time and space to feel my feelings, then he gave me a piece of advice I really appreciated. He gently and firmly encouraged me to go to every practice and game anyway–to participate, learn, and grow, to not throw in the towel, to refuse to be sidelined completely.

That season I became a softball “manager.” I helped with equipment and keeping the records during games. I went to every practice, did all the drills, and worked really hard to be a part of the team even though I didn’t get to play in the games. At the end of the season, we had a celebratory picnic/bbq. Much to my surprise, I was awarded “Most Dedicated Player.” My junior year I did make the JV team. And while I had failures and successes, I had proven that I was willing to try and do the work. Truthfully, summer league was always my favorite because it was more about fun than during the school season. And don’t get me started about the inequity between the boys’ field and the girls’ field…*insert eye roll here. Nevertheless, softball was an incredible learning experience for me in school. Invaluable.

I think about this time with great fondness for my dad’s wisdom and love. I think about being a kid facing rejection, feeling small and less than, being left out and doing so with grit and grace. That kid is still in here teaching me how it’s done.

[If you get anything extra out of my writing and would like to do so, you can leave a virtual tip in my Venmo “jar.” https://venmo.com/u/Rebecca-Lubbers-1 ]

Manifest

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As an adjective, it means readily perceived or obvious.

As a noun, it’s an inventory list.

As a verb in a more modern context, it’s to bring about with intention through thought, word, and action.

Looking back at this year, it’s pretty obvious there have been a number of challenges, some devastating losses, and some major positive gains. I had significant health concerns that led to some awful dark thoughts which turned out to be an easy fix after a long slog of persistent self-advocacy. I created art of which I’m very proud–100 days of watercolors, a bedroom mural of flowers, redecorating my living room (a place I studiously avoided because of the heavy memories into a space that I have surrounded with warm light and comfortable seating to make gathering pleasant and easy for new memories). The losses were heavy–a dear friend, a precious cousin’s mama, my Aunt Daisy, my Uncle Bob, my kitty Seamus. There was hard work in the garden, in the basement, a yard sale, making space for nephews. A new job, a new-to-me car, a new kitten, a new rhythm of being, so many more good things too. There have been new discoveries and maybe old reminders, too, like hey, life is worth living and time and people are the best joy nuggets (my 30th class reunion had a lot to teach me there), cooking for and with people I love is soul medicine. I was also reminded repeatedly that some relationships are worth pouring energy into and some simply are not. And that’s okay. Time and effort reveal much. Dating apps are for the birds. Yes I tried (un)Hinge(d) and Bumble (aka Stumble) to no success. Regardless, deliberate gratitude, playful humor, and seized joy make EVERYTHING bearable.

For an inventory list or the manifest of what I’m taking into the new year, I’d say the realization that I’m allowed to want good things for myself, hope for those things, a willingness to accept them, and wisdom and discernment to tell what is good for me and what just seems pleasant in the moment. And I’d like to strike through the following items on the list as they are weightier than I can carry: shame, fear, guilt, and cowardice.

In 2026, I’d like to continue growing in my artistic development. I’d like to step out of my comfort zone and try news things, maybe SCUBA or fencing or open mic nights. I think the only thing that keeps the brain from turning mushy is to force it to grow new neural pathways doing stuff it hasn’t ever done before, thinking thoughts it hasn’t thought before. I also want to put myself in new places to meet people I’ve not met before. I have a lot to give to this world even yet and maybe I’ve been a little too comfortable, a little too hidden. And I’m willing to say I’d like to meet someone special. It’s hard to type that out for a lot of reasons. I miss Bryan so much. I always will. But having my nephews in my home has reminded me how much I’m built for sharing time and space and meals and conversation in this home. It’s so lovely to do that with my dearest friends and family. I live for dinner parties and cookie parties and porch gatherings and patio picnics. And I also long for the intimacy and affection and touch of someone who puts their whole heart into loving me back. I’m not ashamed to say I still want that.

Okay, 2026. I’m going to put my helmet on, buckle my seatbelt, and brace myself for as much joy as you can throw at me.