Tag: empathy

Oh Shit! Praise the Lord!

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This week, I received correspondence from Walla Walla University giving a full report on the memorial nursing scholarship my siblings and I set up in our Mom’s name explaining the total in the endowment (over $34k), how much the interest has spun off and how much was awarded to a student for the 2026-2027 school year ($1k). Included was a lovely thank you note from the student, too, thanking us for the financial help to their education–very heartfelt, very sweet.

I hadn’t been thinking about my Mom’s scholarship much recently. I’m finishing up an art show and looking to get a donation off to the Blue Mountain Action Council’s Food Bank fund here in the next week or so. My 16.5 year-old kitty is nearing her rainbow bridge time and I’m heart-stricken. Other life things have been shaking me up so I’ve kind of been in triage mode. And then there’s home maintenance, the other two cats, a full-time job, and trying to manage my garden, eat correctly, get enough sleep. The works.

The arrival of this update has me thinking about my Mom, of course. I wish I could talk to her about ALL the things. I wish I could get her counsel and her curiosity, her wisdom and humor. She was so smart and wise. She understood heartbreak better than anyone. And she looked for ways to consider other perspectives, the other person’s reasons for behavior. If I have any empathy, it’s because I learned it at her feet. A friend of mine recently said of her mom, “I am who I am because of her.” Yes. This.

My Mom was also hilarious. She wanted very much to be a follower of Christ, to lean into grace, forgiveness, and above all love. She was no saint, but she was such a good teacher. She was known to get speeding tickets, dings on the car in the parking lot from backing up without fully looking, or clipping a corner too sharp. In those moments, I can remember her saying “Oh shit!” followed by a purposeful “Praise the Lord!” She was trying to retrain her brain in real time to take a bad moment and still express gratitude. My teacher. My role model. And I think about those two statements joined together an awful lot because that’s pretty much how I experience life, that and a hearty chuckle afterward. Life’s difficulties definitely merit an Oh shit! now and then, but receiving the update about our Mom’s scholarship fund and so many other reasons for joy merit a Praise the Lord!

[If you enjoy these musings and you feel so inclined, you’re welcome to buy me a coffee or contribute to the art supplies fund: https://venmo.com/u/FerylGal_1 Thank you!]

Empathy

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Background—When I was little, my mama wanted to make sure I had a mind and heart attuned to others. I can remember more than once when I would come home from school complaining of this mean girl or that awful boy. She would stop me and have me consider the why, the possible hurt, the background story. Of course, I was initially very put off by her lack of immediate side-taking, mine, that is. But this was her legacy to me. Think of others. Think of their feelings. It also is no coincidence that as a child of divorce, I developed a finely tuned toolkit to read the emotional temperature of a room and its people. One was a loving gift, the other, I suspect, is a trauma response. Good, bad, or otherwise, my superpower is empathy.  

Upside—When good things happen to other people, I feel it. Call it convergence or mudita, either one, but the effect is one of delight and joy. That’s the very best part of empathy. Having the capacity to feel the not so joyous things has its merits too because this allows for compassion, understanding, grace. If I can pause for a moment to put myself in someone else’s shoes, understanding increases. From there, dialogue, possibly resolution occurs. All good things. And bare minimum, if I can pause in my day to remember everyone has their hurts, hopes, histories, maybe I’ll be a little more patient at the grocery store, curse a little less in traffic. That’s the hope, at least.

Downside—Yet, the emotional weight can be debilitating and sometimes I take responsibility for feelings inappropriately. Just because I feel them, doesn’t make them mine or something I have to do something about. I forget this. Recently a friend posted a little video blurb that sort of felt like I was being called out. Nuggets of wisdom, when they show up like that, can have that effect. The video highlighted the concept of “ruinous empathy.” With this unhealthy form, a person with empathy makes allowances and excuses for the behaviors of someone else. Ruinous empathy will break down important personal, boundaries. “Oh no, so-and-so, is suffering/experiencing pain, these hurtful, negative behaviors that I would never in a million years tolerate suddenly have gotten a pass because I am (ruinously) empathetic.” This unhealthy manifestation of empathy is mine to own and battle, too.

Conclusion—I want to be the person my mom envisioned—thinking of others and extending grace. I’ve got a LONG way to go. And just like a game of whack-a-mole, I’m going to have to  pay close attention to when ruinous empathy creeps up and has me eroding my own boundaries. “Constant vigilance.”