Background—When I was little, my mama wanted to make sure I had a mind and heart attuned to others. I can remember more than once when I would come home from school complaining of this mean girl or that awful boy. She would stop me and have me consider the why, the possible hurt, the background story. Of course, I was initially very put off by her lack of immediate side-taking, mine, that is. But this was her legacy to me. Think of others. Think of their feelings. It also is no coincidence that as a child of divorce, I developed a finely tuned toolkit to read the emotional temperature of a room and its people. One was a loving gift, the other, I suspect, is a trauma response. Good, bad, or otherwise, my superpower is empathy.
Upside—When good things happen to other people, I feel it. Call it convergence or mudita, either one, but the effect is one of delight and joy. That’s the very best part of empathy. Having the capacity to feel the not so joyous things has its merits too because this allows for compassion, understanding, grace. If I can pause for a moment to put myself in someone else’s shoes, understanding increases. From there, dialogue, possibly resolution occurs. All good things. And bare minimum, if I can pause in my day to remember everyone has their hurts, hopes, histories, maybe I’ll be a little more patient at the grocery store, curse a little less in traffic. That’s the hope, at least.
Downside—Yet, the emotional weight can be debilitating and sometimes I take responsibility for feelings inappropriately. Just because I feel them, doesn’t make them mine or something I have to do something about. I forget this. Recently a friend posted a little video blurb that sort of felt like I was being called out. Nuggets of wisdom, when they show up like that, can have that effect. The video highlighted the concept of “ruinous empathy.” With this unhealthy form, a person with empathy makes allowances and excuses for the behaviors of someone else. Ruinous empathy will break down important personal, boundaries. “Oh no, so-and-so, is suffering/experiencing pain, these hurtful, negative behaviors that I would never in a million years tolerate suddenly have gotten a pass because I am (ruinously) empathetic.” This unhealthy manifestation of empathy is mine to own and battle, too.
Conclusion—I want to be the person my mom envisioned—thinking of others and extending grace. I’ve got a LONG way to go. And just like a game of whack-a-mole, I’m going to have to pay close attention to when ruinous empathy creeps up and has me eroding my own boundaries. “Constant vigilance.”
Feryl Files 