“No, but it’s consistent.”

The movie _What’s Up Doc_, the 1972 romcom with Barbara Streisand and Ryan O’Neal, has a scene near the end where a giant group of characters are in front of a very unamused judge. In the midst of an explanation, Dr. Howard Bannister asks “Is that clear?” To which the long-suffering judge replies “No, but it’s consistent.” I’m sure you have many lines from movies that come up as familial or friendly touchpoints–ways to keep connected on an idea in fun and meaninful ways. This was one of ours…”No, but it’s consistent.”

I’ve been thinking about consistency a lot lately. In conversation, I’ve reassured folks I care about that a behavior by someone else is not just directed at them, but an indicator of how that person is with everyone. Does it make sense always? No. But is it probably consistent? Yep. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though. I hope to always be as consistently me as possible.

When in grief and heartache, I lean toward creation and connection. I hope not to dull my senses or avoid feelings, but to sit with them. Golly, that’s really not fun, but I’ve gotten good practice in the last four years. It’s not just in sorrow that I hope to be consistent, though. It’s also in my joy, the way I love full-tilt, heart on my sleeve, no reservations, all the way in. I don’t want to change that even if the side-effects aren’t always great. I don’t want experiences or circumstances to change my consistency or me. “Don’t go dark on me, Bob.”

Am I going to find the dirty joke in an inappropriate setting? Am I going to share what I have? Am I going to paint and dance in the kitchen and sob my eyes out and tell my sunflower “thank you for being beautiful?” Am I going to try to look at things from someone else’s perspective, to understand, to extend grace? Am I going to be occasionally thoughtless or careless with words or actions because I’m in a hurry or not fully thinking through the consequences? Yes to all of it. And when I lose, I also try not to lose the lesson.

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