Communication

You never forget the first adult who really treats you like an adult. For me, that’s Lynn Rattray. I was probably about ten, maybe eleven, I couldn’t say for certain. It was definitely in the midst of my parents’ divorce and while we still lived in Yakima. I had some mistaken ideas about a few things and guessed at the reasons behind them, then voiced those guesses. There I was in her living room, my best friend’s mom, my mom’s best friend–elegant symmetry. She explained the truth of things that were hard for me to hear and she was firm, direct. For the longest time, I thought she didn’t like me because she had done that. Most adults I knew danced around partial stories and euphemisms, no doubt as a form of perceived protection. This woman loved and respected me enough to tell me straight. I didn’t figure that out for a while, but man when you grow up and see the full picture of things, you know what that means. That means someone loves you a whole lot.

Bryan was direct like that. He used to quote a grandmother: “there is nothing so cold as a discussion and nothing so full of love as a fight.” We could argue the semantics, but at it’s core the difficult conversations, maybe even loud, difficult conversations are fueled by the hope of getting to the other side of it with more understanding, more growth, more love. Our respective communication styles were our biggest hurdle but also our greatest source of growth and understanding. Bryan was an external processor. He liked lots of people and heated arguments to fine tune his ideas, sharpen things. I’m an internal processor. I ponder alone, sometimes for days to really flesh out what I’m thinking. Seldom do I react in the moment because I usually want the right words, the precise thing. So there we would be mid-argument and I would say “I’ll have to think about that.” And I legitimately would. A few days later, I could come back to him and continue the discussion. He had to learn patience. I had to learn to process quicker. Every argument we ever had was a rung on a ladder toward a better relationship.

Lynn’s directness, much like Bryan’s has been one of her superpowers. Those of us who know and love her can take a page out of her book. When love is the source, the difficult conversations are always worth it.