What Even Is Time

This is something Mary has said a lot. And I’ve echoed the sentiment. I’ve lived an entire lifetime in two days and I have had 14 and a half years go by in a blink. I don’t understand it, this strange accordion effect. Here it is a year and a day after Bryan’s passing and that time has also been a lifetime unto itself and very short simultaneously.

Bryan often used to say, “when you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” I’m afraid I don’t have some great sweeping lesson, some incredible insight, a roadmap to grief and suffering. I don’t. I know this—grief is personal. My way isn’t the right way or the only way; it’s my way. I can say that doing something every day that helped my future self has been good counsel. Growing a garden, being in nature, not isolating myself from friends and family who love me have all helped me. And sometimes just letting the tears come and hunkering down with my kitties has been just the right thing.

I’m on a trip with people I love very much. We’re all experiencing this trip differently. We take different photos. We go on different excursions. We pick different things off the menu. We compare notes. Grief and life are like that. 

I am still very sad, missing Bryan every single day. And I am still very much alive, determined to not fold in on myself or give up. This life is short so I’m going to continue to hunt joy nuggets, love, sing, dance, grow flowers, and create. Hmmm maybe I learned something after all. He was so right.