Big Step

I’ve written about baby steps, referring to the movie What About Bob? This is the incremental approach to change and growth. Lots of little things add up to big things over time. And yet, sometimes there are big steps, big changes–by choice or by chance. This week, I started a full-time job. After the trial phase of a few months, I’ll go into more detail. For now, I really like the folks in the office and I’m a little overwhelmed but also excited about the nature of the work, helping people. That’s the professional side of the equation. The emotional impact is a little different.

You know, I understand why people get frozen after major, traumatic events and loss. The pain is everpresent. That’s no surprise and it becomes familiar. There are new aches and pains to be discovered, though. As life continues, growth, movement forward feels like a betrayal to the person gone. It’s not logical. It’s not grounded in reason. Of course the living person continues to live. But that act of living, of taking next steps, that’s another step further away from the life that once was. Growth and change means, would they love me now? Would they love me in this iteration? By freezing in time, by avoiding living and growth, there’s this illusion of staving off future pain. But that’s just it. The pain comes regardless.

Moving forward is an act of faith that there is something worthwhile on the other side of (through? with?) this pain. Maybe it’s courage to keep taking steps small and large. Maybe it’s fear of what happens if I don’t. I do know, two nights ago I cried really hard about the increasing gap between life before and life now. The next morning I got up and took a big step anyway. And I’m really glad I did. And it still hurts.

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