Under the best of circumstances, this time of year can be challenging. It’s fraught with emotional pitfalls. Obligations pile up. It’s messy out here with all this should. And everyone of us misses someone whether it’s through long distance or loss. Yet, we still look for ways to brighten shorter, darker days.
I miss Bryan all the time. I feel it extra at Christmastime. He made it so much fun–hunting for a Christmas tree, listening to the Vince Guaraldi soundtrack of A Charlie Brown Christmas while we decorated, Handel’s Messiah, sugar cookies, spanikopita, stuffed mushrooms, events and outings with friends, and particularly Christmas Eve and breakfast the next morning with our girl. The simplicity and warmth of these Lubbers traditions have defined the season for me for a long time. I don’t want to lug the Christmas boxes out of the attic to decorate. I don’t want to get a tree. What do these things mean without him?
But I did get in the holiday mood. And I decorated, a little, with some Shop Eleven spirit–paper, hot glue, and twinkle lights.
I didn’t want to accept the invitation of a dear friend to go downtown and watch the Parade of Lights because it was something Bryan and I did. But I went, and I even dressed up. (That’s a mistletoe fascinator and a Christmas-y infinity scarf Mary made for Shop Eleven years ago.)
Finding light in a dark time is essential to survival. And if we can’t be or bring light, we can do our best not to extinguish it.
There’s other darkness, too. Here are a few ways I’ve found for fighting that.
Internationally: https://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/ and https://wck.org/
Locally: https://www.valleygivingguide.org/
Most of all I hope you don’t feel like you have to do this time of year a certain way or feel that you’re doing it wrong. We’re all making it up. All of us. None of it is scripted.
[Virtual tip jar: https://venmo.com/u/Rebecca-Lubbers-1]
Feryl Files 
After my mom died all of our traditions just evaporated. Well, not ALL of them – there was still Mike’s side of the family. But with the years, even that has dwindled to almost nothing. So, in our 50s/60s we’re finding that we are creating a new normal for us. Yours looks lovely – a warm place to think about Bryan and to feel the love he had for you.
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