Bien dans Sa Peau

(Trigger warning: self-harm)

The French language has a number of great sayings that don’t have direct English translations. The title of this post is one for example. “Well in one’s skin” refers to being content with oneself, at ease. The negative is a sense of disconnect, discomfort, discontent with oneself. There are many things about aging that are difficult, aches and pains, loss, regret, but one of the things that I am so thankful for is becoming more comfortable in my own skin, confident in being me. Such was not always the case.

As a teenager and well into my 20s, I was not well in my skin, neither metaphorically nor literally. In fact, long before I knew the term “cutting” or “self-harm”, I was engaging in activities that were very similar. My arms and chest were covered with evidence of this, so I kept long sleeves and high necklines. When the emotions and pain were so much with no where to put or express them safely, I focused on ways to bring that pain out to the surface.

Fear not, reader, I do not do that any more. I have better ways to navigate and express my pain–art, writing, yanking weeds with intense aggression. Being in a safe place with Bryan meant we could confront problems together. We could argue fairly, without fear of abandonment or loss, bolstered always by love. That kind of love changes your brain’s mode of thinking about a lot of things. And while Bryan is gone, the love is not. I remain reassured by my worth and my lovability because of what we built together.

I am so grateful that I don’t live in a space where I have constant knots in my stomach or have a compulsion to tear at my skin any more. Being content in my skin, doesn’t mean I don’t wish to be better than I am–kinder, more gracious, more loving. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not confronted with intense longing to be loved and touched again. For here and now, however, I am bien dans ma peau and maybe just a little bit more every day.