Lists

I’m an inconsistent list-maker. To do lists, grocery lists, lists of people to write/call/email. I think writing a list is an act of hope and encouragement, but sometimes it’s also a cudgel–a giant, flashing neon sign in all caps that reads SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. How can one find the balance of a useful tool and something that debilitates? Chatting with friends about such things gives me a lot of food for thought.

One friend suggested that instead of making to do lists at the beginning of the day, where I feel like a failure when I haven’t ticked off each and every single item, to rather write a “have done” list at the end of the day. I’m inconsistent at this, too, but I tell ya, on the days when the SHOULD sign is extremely bright and I feel like absolute garbage for not fulfilling some arbitrary goal set that I’ve put on myself, it helps me to pause, reflect, and extend myself a little grace. Instead of you “you should have done this and this and this,” it’s “wow, Becci, you did this and this and this.” (When you live alone, the internal dialogue gets a LOT louder.) Reminding myself of what I did do instead of beating myself up for what I didn’t do is a recipe for a better night’s sleep, I can tell you that much.

Another friend talked about how we need to make more space to celebrate progress. A list is to do or done, but there’s no space on a sheet of paper for a full progress report. Nevertheless, taking time to really account for progress helps turn down the brightness of the SHOULD sign. Every little inch of progress is worthy of celebration. This same friend talked about how much of our thinking is “best, 100%, all the way, nothing counts unless it’s perfect” and how toxic and paralyzing that is. There are lots of cliche sayings that really do encapsulate this–“Rome wasn’t built in a day;” or “Good enough is the enemy of perfect,” are a couple. Progress is better than perfect.

I got sick last week and was in bed all of Thursday, some of Friday, and I’m mostly better, but still feeling the effects. The blinking SHOULD sign along with the internal (extremely critical, cranky, cantakerous, and cruel) editor have been particularly rough. And yet, the cats are fed. I made a batch of applesauce. I’ve painted. I went through a pile of papers and paid bills. The giant blinking SHOULD sign will never permanently go away and sometimes it’s much worse than others, but good chats with friends help remind me that progress and accomplishments are things to list, too. And when I’m sick, the grace quotient needs to go up accordingly.