Do it anyway…

The last several days have been full, beautiful, hard, important and so so good.

Yesterday, I hosted the annual porch pop-up that we’ve done for a few years now. It’s an opportunity to raise funds for our mom’s memorial nursing scholarship, have friends bring their wares as well, and spend time with friends and neighbors over cookies. In year’s past, Bryan would be in the back yard grilling hotdogs and hamburgers, offering beers and good conversation for folks who wanted to stay and visit a little longer. He and I didn’t see much of each other over the course of these days, but we worked hand in glove to make it uniquely us and so rich and full. There was a moment of considering not to do it this year, but I asked my friends if they were still interested and they were. Do it anyway. So we did. My sister helped me with the art, set-up and take-down, visiting with folks. We had a good, if very cold day. I opted not to have anyone grill in the back. I couldn’t this year. Hopefully next year…

Today, I, with my sister, got to help my kid with a dump run, getting dirt, and loading the three raised beds she and her mom built Saturday and then planting tomatoes and peppers. Her dad and I talked a lot about the possibilities she could have with raised beds. We had fun imagining with her. It was so great to see those imaginings come to fruition. So many of these spring gardening things we would do together as a family–first, flower pots on the front stoop and eventually a back garden with five raised beds. This was part of who we were together. And Mary and I got to continue being that today. It’s simultaneously heartbreaking and heartfilling and so beautiful. I am lucky beyond measure to have her want me to help. These things without him, hurt a little, but we do it anyway because it’s also really good.

There’s so much I don’t want to do without him. And I also know it’s really important to do it anyway. Do it anyway…