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Gratitude Challenge Day 4: Routine

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Routine is great because it’s kind of like auto-pilot. When you’re making 1,001 decisions big and small all day long, having the structure of routine means there’s more bandwidth for those decisions. I find routine to be comforting; it can be an antidote to chaos and uncertainty, or at least one tool to deal with it.

When Bryan was sick, our routine kept me from completely dissolving. The routine of walks at Mill Creek after he passed served the same purpose. Now, I’ve begun a strength-training regimen as a routine to help me through the darkness that has already started with Daylight Savings. Structure. Scaffolding.

I am grateful for routine and the ability to adapt to new ones as needed.

Gratitude Challenge Day 2 (a day late): Animals

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I don’t know how it is they know, but they know. Our animals know when we need extra. They know when we need the extended cuddle, the curl up on the shoulder, the lean. Currently, I have three cats. Two are fully indoors–Usul, a black and white tuxedo kitty who is an old woman at 14 and change and Martok, a gray and white bundle of mischief who is settling into a gentler version of his younger self. And of course there is Seamus, the increasingly indoors kitty now that the weather and light are shifting. He’s a Maine coon who serves as neighborhood ambassador and demanding old cuss. The daily care of these three yahoos has been an anchor for me. Do all my clothes and furniture have some cat fur despite my vigorous attempts to make it otherwise? Yes. Worth it.

These aren’t the only animals for which I am grateful. I’m grateful for memories of past pets who filled this home with humor, light, and love. I’m grateful for the time spent at my bestie’s where her two beagles, Doug and Travis, brought me extreme joy and lots of cuddles with their long soft ears, soulful eyes, and insistence at being loved. I am smitten with dogs even though I’ve never really had one of my own. Friends send photos and videos telling stories that make me smile, making me bask in vicarious joy, and if I’m honest, maybe creating a little envy. I get to meet new dogs on my walks at Mill Creek, too, and count the quality of those walks by the number of canines I get to give ear scritches. When friends, new and old, share their animals with me, I feel extremely lucky.

I’m grateful for all the love and enriched life these creatures so selflessly give. Even the shattering heartbreak of losing one is a reminder of just how beloved and dear they are. Heartbreak is the price of love and we willingly pay because it’s worth it. This is true for us and our critters, too, even though the reminders are far more frequent than we prefer.

Gratitude Challenge Day 1: Comfort

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[It’s November 1st, and I’m going to challenge myself to write every day for the 30 days of gratitude prompts. I hope you’ll join along and maybe share some of yours.]

When I was little and we lived in Cleveland, Ohio, winters were incredibly cold and snowy. “Lake effect” is something we heard a lot. On Sabbath mornings, my mama would dress me in cute dresses and wool tights to keep me warm. Wool and my skin aren’t friends and I discovered that at a tender age. When I was eight or nine, my Auntie Lila would help prepare me baths that would sooth my skin. Under stress, and one’s parents divorcing certainly qualifies, my body reacts and often it’s my skin that takes the brunt of things. I joke with folks a lot that “I’m not built for hard living” or that I’m a “delicate flower.” Truth is, I’m tougher than I let on and more so than I would prefer having to be, but such is life. So, I clothe myself in cotton and surround myself with soft things. I’m careful with detergents and soaps as they can aggravate things too.

Right now, as I type this, I’m in a pair of Bryan’s plaid fleece pants and a cotton waffle-weave shirt. I have three blankets I’m cuddled under–one is an afghan Bryan’s mom crocheted years ago and the other two are the softest, snuggliest blankets I’ve ever owned. One is from my first cousin, Melissa, who gave it to me just before Bryan died, knowing the necessity of soft comfort while dealing with brutal pain. The other is from another first cousin, Jonell, who made me a warm fuzzy blanket that can convert into a pillow. I feel loved and hugged every time I use them.

This external comfort is so meaningful to me because it goes from the outside in just like the stress and anxiety comes from the inside to the outside of my body in uncomfortable ways. They’re connected for me in visceral ways. I am physically comforted and in that process become emotionally and spiritually comforted, too. I am grateful for this softness. Much can be hard, scratchy, and irritating in life. Those measures to mitigate it, especially when given in love, make it far better.

Conversations

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This past weekend, on several separate occasions, I had the good fortune to meet up with many friends, to share a meal, a beverage, time. I appreciate so much these opportunities to be with people. Yep, even as an introvert I can say that. I made the joke a couple of times recently that living at home alone with cats I’ve become half feral (Feryl?) Truly, the ability to navigate relationships and communicate well are not innate, at least not for me. These opportunities to listen, talk, ask and answer questions, kvetch, express gratitude, help keep me sane and fit for public consumption. And that’s definitely a work in progress…

One chat revolved around how our modern lives have evolved so far away from our communal living in caves or in say a Scottish clan. Instead of having social fabric to help with all the things of day-to-day life within our living space (childcare, cooking, cleaning, hunting, medical treatment) by specialists within the group, in our modern homes we wear all the hats. I feel that when I come home to a pile of mail, laundry, housekeeping that’s not getting done, yardwork that’s not getting done, meal prep, cat care, etc. and I wear none of the hats well. Okay, that’s not true. The cookie-baking hat I wear with panache. I don’t mean to kvetch too much. I know how lucky I am, but I can be honest and say it’s all a lot and I’m overwhelmed sometimes having a full time job and the list of things above. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by *waves hands* allllll the things, just know you’re not alone.

Other conversations centered on exercise, mental health, touch, time, gratitude, pride, shame, and the foibles of human nature–all good stuff. I appreciate the chance to get out of the overwhelmed head space into places of conviviality and connection. And I am so grateful for people who like me enough to spend time with me and help sand off some of the rougher edges.