Learning

One of the hardest things about being a widow, or anyone who has been through dramatic life changes, is rediscovering oneself. While Bryan was alive and we were together, we developed a way of being that I understood. We had challenges, we both grew and changed, but at our base we had this solid foundation. In that space, I understood him, myself, and us. That dynamic has shifted and I’ve been paddling like I mother-flipping mean it (laugh with me Kambra) to figure out all the things—who I am, what I want, where am I going, to what purpose any of it.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, it’s the most miserable, affirming, important process of my life. Walking by the sound of running water has helped me keep my sanity and my heart from crystallizing or shattering. I have (and will continue to) open myself up to possibilities. So far, I have had varying degrees of success and failure with those. There’s tremendous vulnerability in living open-heartedly. Pain, it appears, is a constant, but numb is far worse because it’s only a temporary reprieve.

Maybe that’s the whole point—getting back up, trying, learning, and holding space for serendipity and joy.

Bryan often used to say “I never lose. I win or I learn.” Here’s to learning, sweetheart.