A Bad Dream

Bryan so seldom visits me in dreamscapes that when it happens it’s incredibly special. Last night, I dreamed of him and he still had cancer, but for some reason was getting better. All of this should have been reason to rejoice. During the course of this dream, however, he rejected me–something he NEVER did in our time together. It’s clear that my brain and heart have tender spots and insecurities that still need to work themselves out in that plane of existence. I woke up sobbing “no, no, no.”

Dreams have a mind of their own. I’m reminded of times past when I would have a dream where Bryan would be unkind or hurt my feelings and I’d wake up and tell him. He’d say something like, “what did dream Bryan do now? That jerk is really causing me problems in the awake world. Please don’t punish me for what dream Bryan said.” Which makes me laugh because I remember one where dream Bryan told me I couldn’t get more kittens. I was so mad. Ha! It’s good to remember the things that help squelch the agony of a nightmare out of the blue like this one.

I wonder if my brain is trying to navigate a new world where maybe I would meet someone and I’m terrified by that process. Maybe being alone for a year and a half has me revisiting old insecurities, examining who I have become/am becoming and who is the consistent core self. Being rejected, being laughed at, being dismissed, being unheard, being left out, being fundamentally unliked–these are some of my fears and nightmares that trace back to my adolescence. One of my “parts” (thanks Dr. Schwarz) is this drive to be likable because there was a formative time in my youth where I didn’t feel that in my home. Consequently, I developed the skillset when visiting friends’ homes, being around teachers, with folks outside the home to be likable as a way to convince myself that if I could get enough folks to like me, maybe I would like me too.

I still have this as a piece of myself. Except there’s this thing that’s been occurring more and more in my solitude. I’m learning to like me. That inner person who likes to share, likes to create, likes to imagine, likes to play, likes to laugh–I’m allowed to like her. And guess what? I do. And that’s something worth waking up to.