Many Truths at Once

Many things can be true at the same time–another complextity to an already complex existence. The last few days I’ve had incredible visits with friends. I had coffee and a cookie at the Patisserie Friday afternoon with a friend where we talked about grief and loss, pets, housework, and social awkwardness. Saturday I painted during the day and in the evening a dear friend who had invited me out took me to dinner and to a holiday concert fundraiser. It was so much fun. I got to try new flavors and listen to music by local and Seattle talent; the vocal stylings of Jennifer Northam and Gail Pettis particularly stood out as well as a Whitman alto sax player who will be famous one day. 🙂 Yesterday, I had dinner with another friend where we each had a beer that Bryan probably would have liked a whole lot, the Krampus Strong, at the Brew Pub. Threaded throughout these last days are texts and exchanges, jokes and affectionate messages with friends far and wide. Messages from my siblings keep me afloat like a life jacket. All these things are emotional power packs, support, kindness, love. I’m so thankful.

And at the same time…

My heart hurts so much. The sobs come out of no where. Every cell in my body is aching and screaming for my person. How is possible to hurt this much and still function? This weekend, I had a nap and I saw Bryan pushing a wheelbarrow of dirt on the sidewalk for any number of my home projects. That smile. Those hands. The tilt of his head. He’s everywhere and nowhere. Today, I saw a guy with a beard on a bicycle wearing a blue windbreaker. I almost couldn’t breathe for thirty seconds.

I am not alone in one respect–I have the connection and support of family and friends far and wide. These connections are life-saving to me. And I have never been more alone, too. When you have a mind/body/soul connection and half of it gets ripped away, you can’t help but feel amputated. And I’m not a gecko.

You may notice on social media that I’m painting up a bit of a storm. That’s because it’s been gray and gross and I’m so incredibly sad. I take all of that and pour into my art. Beauty and sadness. Loneliness and longing and connection. Many things true at the same time.