Another Day in September

Sadaversaries are around every corner, particularly now that we’re at the end of September. And a friend of mine has reminded me that I can either get bogged down in the sorrow or I can acknowledge that these are just another day in September. I think it’s both and I’m trying very hard to process the scope and scale of this past year, but to also embrace that change keeps coming. And change will keep coming and I will keep taking a step (baby steps?) forward.

These last couple of days I’ve begun organizing, sorting, purging, cleaning in ways that I was inacapable of just a few weeks prior. Bryan and I had always envisioned organizing our books that were scattered in bookshelves randomly in every room. We never did that project together. I did it by myself. I wish he could see it. It looks really good. I’ve rearranged the living room, I’m beginning to empy out the front bedroom to prepare it for some extensive work. Yes, that means finally a door. (Laugh with me.) I’ll be moving my bedroom to the back room that has been a catch-all for a long time. I organized my art and jewelry-making supplies in the middle room, which will probably be the next catch-all room until I’m ready to tackle it.

Change is good. Continuity and change is very good. This is still home. This place has Bryan’s soul and spirit throughout. How could it not? But it looks different so that I can move forward. The mixture of feelings is about 70% pride and satisfaction, 20% sorrow, and 10% guilt. Damn guilt. I try to whack-a-mole it, but it still rears its ugly head. Hey, at least that’s a solid C- and a passing grade so I’ll take it.

There’s a lot more to do, but I have confidence with each step I take that I’ll be able to take the next one, too. In the process, I will do my best to “be here now” and take the day as it is because as I get older, all the days will be sadaversaries if I’m not careful.