Certain things have me feeling paralyzed with dread. One of them was getting the outside water turned on. My neighbor, Ted, got in the crawl space, changed the lightbulb and turned the water on. Ben helped me get the hoses connected and he and his wife, Kate, helped me plant the remaining raised bed with flowers after tilling in some compost and feather meal. Kate brought over a ton of plants she had propagated in their green house. The garden is starting to look more like it should. I am overwhelmed with the kindness and generosity of spirit from my neighbors. The Thonney’s grandson, Carson, mowed again yesterday. I know Bryan would be so thankful to all these kind people taking care of me. I sure am. It’s humbling to see all of this grace in action.
And I stood in my backyard and sobbed. He should be here, too. He should be doing this with me. This was part of us. It hurts like red hot pokers in my heart. It is the most extraordinarily beautiful spring day…again. We’ve had a number of them in a row and it’s really incomparable how beautiful Walla Walla can be in the spring. Flowers everywhere. Blooming trees. So.Much.Beauty. AND HE’S NOT HERE!
I’m lucky beyond measure to be surrounded by so much love. And I see the acts of love from Bryan in the raised beds, the trees he planted, all of the work we did to get this home to this place. I feel it. But I want him HERE.
The heat and the work and the tears tell me I probably need more water too. That’s what my Mom would say in this moment as I’m overcome with grief. “Drink some water, Becci.”
Okay, Mom.
Feryl Files 
Crying with you – but I think my mom would have handed me a pepsi instead of water (whereas your mom was a nurse, right? mine was a mill hill factory worker & caffeine was life). There are lots of hard parts of grief, but things happening that your person won’t see is right up there at the top of the list.
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