When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do was sit surrounded by and reading the 1976 Bicentennial Edition of the Worldbook Encyclopedias my parents got for my three older siblings. I loved those books like they had been specially purchased just for me. I didn’t care that they were out-of-date, I had all this knowledge at my fingertips and it was mine for the searching and soaking in. One of the best parts of immersing myself in a particular subject was the suggestion to find more information on other topics at the bottom of each section. The rabbit-hole habit probably began there. Now I can use my laptop or phone, but that same insatiable curiosity manifests daily.
Recently, dear friends (some I’ve known since middle school, some I’ve only met recently because of their connection to Bryan) have generously been sharing all kinds of music with me. One friend recommended Michael Brecker’s 1987 eponymous tenor* sax jazz album. I can say that much of it is beyond my understanding, but “Cost of Living” reminds me of the background music to a film noir when the heroine is about to ask the PI to help her out and he immediately falls in love with her; I absolutely adore it. Of course, I had to find out, who the heck is this Brecker dude? Possibly the best tenor* saxophone player ever and if there’s saxophone music on some famous person’s record, Brecker more than likely did it. Impressive barely scratches the surface of his career. While reading about him, though, I discovered that he passed away pretty tragically from leukemia in his late 50s–a bright, energetic light gone too early, an all-too-familiar story.
I also learned that Brecker converted to Buddhism in his final months before passing. This on its own isn’t all that remarkable, but many jazz musicians attending his funeral service were also Buddhists. Jazz? Buddhism? I had no idea. So of course, “to learn more” I googled the two terms together and found this incredible article: https://tricycle.org/magazine/jazz-and-buddhism/ Yoshie Akiba took her heartache and turned it into creating a sacred space for folks to experience jazz, Japanese cuisine, and zen. Of course, this led me to finally pick up with earnestness the book Bryan has had on one of our bedside tables the whole time I’ve known him: Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind: Informal talks on Zen meditation and practice by Shunryu Suzuki.
Bryan referenced the importance of this book for him in the time following his divorce. I’d picked it up a couple of times before, but never really delved into it. Bryan talked about how the meditative practices helped him navigate anxiety and fear, the uncertainty about the future. He talked about the importance of approaching everything with a beginner’s mind. When we try new things with the eagerness of the unknown and unfamiliar we approach it differently than if we approach it as if it were old hat. “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”(21) Whether it’s divorce, widowhood, a new career, a big move, there’s no road map for the individual’s personal experience. I have experienced the incredible discomfort of what now? Who am I now? And here I have the seeds that my husband planted years ago. Be here now like a jazz musician in the middle of a solo performance or a meditating Buddhist. Experience this time with a beginner’s mind. You’re not supposed to know how to do this. None of us are. We’re making up the notes as we go.
Which leads me to the song that has been in my heart all week, Jonathan Butler’s “When Love Comes In” from his newly-released album Ubuntu: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZjG1t6Vdxs
What I do know for sure
Is I don’t know (Oh I don’t know)
Just how this part of the story will end (Oh no)
In the end all I can say (All I can say)
Is love will lead the way
And this is where love comes in
Comes in
After all is said and done
Only one way, ain’t but the one
And this is where love comes in
Oooo
Love comes in
We all suffer. I’m not unique in this. It’s all of us. But what we have is love, and love will lead the way.
*Please note the change from alto to tenor sax! Oopsie-daisy! :o)
Feryl Files 