March 1, 2023

I’ve likened my marriage to Bryan as “summer camp” on many occasions and I think it deserves a little context. My parents split when I was in third grade and proceeded to have a really messy, contentious, painful divorce. Summer camp was a place where I could fully escape that and just be Becci. I got to navigate that week-long other world around a lake in Idaho in the summer with my best friends. I learned how to waterski. I learned that I had things to offer too. I could French braid hair and make my cabinmates laugh. Summer camp was an emotional oasis, a life raft of joy for a kid pretty mired in anxiety and sorrow. Those strong memories of pure joy have been anchor points and a measuring stick.

Being with Bryan was joyful for me like that, a place where I could be fully Becci without passive aggression, or insecurity, or walking on eggshells. I remember early in our courtship, I didn’t want to get into heavy debates with Bryan. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want to risk this wonderful new thing with contention, anger, and potential loss. I never learned what fighting fairly looked like. One day, Bryan and I were on a bike ride and we had a spat. He barked at me and I hollered back, “Don’t you yell at me!” The rest of the ride home was a little frosty, but when we got back to the house, he was smiling ear to ear. Confused, I asked what he was smiling about. He was relieved and delighted that we could air out our grievances because we hadn’t done that yet and for him, push back, debate, and fair arguments were as essential as air. I think I called him a weirdo, but I also learned that he was safe and disagreement wouldn’t push him away. Quite the contrary.

In recent days, something crystalized for me. Self-confidence is a gift to others. Bryan’s self-assuredness made him safe, not just for me, but for many to be fully themselves around him because he knew who he was. Kyle Martz told me he never felt like he needed to edit himself around Bryan. You don’t have to dance on eggshells with someone who knows who they are. I know Bryan wasn’t just like this to me because he was a confidant and mentor to many, some known to me and probably many more unknown.